( Of all answers to his turn, of the censure and the dismissal, this one is the one that strikes a chord within Hwylryn the most. For all he has been dismissed as insincere, he has been genuine from beginning to end - if he had not, how could he have suffered over loss after loss? How could he not have driven himself mad with grief, until he reached this as his sole conclusion?
He'd thought it over, day by day, week by week, and though he wishes he had a few hundred more years, in this short time he had left before he would have to choose to return to die or make good on his promises and remain alive - this seemed to be the only arithmetic that allowed him a future.
Or, perhaps, it was the only arithmetic he wanted to use. The only one that did not tell him that senseless death is simply a part of life. That did not suggest to him to just do better next time. That did not comfort him and say that it is okay if he's failed for thousands of years - don't give up hope! He can still change. It's not too late.
Though he's on the outs with them, he agrees with Angelo and Chara in a particular regard: such platitudes could not penetrate the darkest parts of his heart. Could not reach its seafloor, where his despair settles like murk.
And so he didn't want to hear them. He was scared of them. He abhorred them.
But.
Because his feelings are authentic, Cain's sincerity reaches him, too. It sifts the sands there, even if it does not dispel his grief, his heart. It is a light that penetrates the waters as deep as light can go - and settles in a layer of his heart's sea that he did not think could see sun.
Hwylryn thinks now, as he has before - as he looks up at Cain and sees his struggle, his regret, his conflict - that the Northerner that has linked themselves to Cain is a fortunate one.
Would his life been different, if he had found someone of Central, someone like Cain, and remained beside them?
Would he have been able to change, before his path became set - before he grew into a shell too stiff, too thick for him to survive in, as he had now, like certain creatures of the sea?
The essence of looping time - branching time - is strange, to him. He wonders if there does exist another life, where he had met some form of Cain, and he had changed, and perhaps he still held his grief with him, but he had become a different sort of thing than the creature he is now, staring up at these mismatched eyes - hurt because of him; hurt for him. )
... I wish...
( A useless sentiment, and certainly one he hadn't earned. But, selfishly, as he's been selfish this entire time - selfishly, he says it: )
... I wish we'd met at another time. I wonder if... I would have spent my years happier, if I'd had someone like you to change me.
( It's not your fault, is what he means. It's what he hopes to convey. )
Thank you for your trust, Cain. I'm glad Akira has someone with you at his side. ( ... ) And... I hope you won't be persuaded from your instinct, the next time you're right.
( What he abstained from saying, when he'd brought up Gwawlyn at the trial, is that he is as he is to survive. He is charming, playful, and wheedling - he is so good at skating by with second chances that turn to thirds and fourths and fifths.
It isn't fair that he took advantages of a Central wizard for this, but Hwylryn hasn't been fair to any child here, has he? Not Junior, nor Cain. )
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He'd thought it over, day by day, week by week, and though he wishes he had a few hundred more years, in this short time he had left before he would have to choose to return to die or make good on his promises and remain alive - this seemed to be the only arithmetic that allowed him a future.
Or, perhaps, it was the only arithmetic he wanted to use. The only one that did not tell him that senseless death is simply a part of life. That did not suggest to him to just do better next time. That did not comfort him and say that it is okay if he's failed for thousands of years - don't give up hope! He can still change. It's not too late.
Though he's on the outs with them, he agrees with Angelo and Chara in a particular regard: such platitudes could not penetrate the darkest parts of his heart. Could not reach its seafloor, where his despair settles like murk.
And so he didn't want to hear them. He was scared of them. He abhorred them.
But.
Because his feelings are authentic, Cain's sincerity reaches him, too. It sifts the sands there, even if it does not dispel his grief, his heart. It is a light that penetrates the waters as deep as light can go - and settles in a layer of his heart's sea that he did not think could see sun.
Hwylryn thinks now, as he has before - as he looks up at Cain and sees his struggle, his regret, his conflict - that the Northerner that has linked themselves to Cain is a fortunate one.
Would his life been different, if he had found someone of Central, someone like Cain, and remained beside them?
Would he have been able to change, before his path became set - before he grew into a shell too stiff, too thick for him to survive in, as he had now, like certain creatures of the sea?
The essence of looping time - branching time - is strange, to him. He wonders if there does exist another life, where he had met some form of Cain, and he had changed, and perhaps he still held his grief with him, but he had become a different sort of thing than the creature he is now, staring up at these mismatched eyes - hurt because of him; hurt for him. )
... I wish...
( A useless sentiment, and certainly one he hadn't earned. But, selfishly, as he's been selfish this entire time - selfishly, he says it: )
... I wish we'd met at another time. I wonder if... I would have spent my years happier, if I'd had someone like you to change me.
( It's not your fault, is what he means. It's what he hopes to convey. )
Thank you for your trust, Cain. I'm glad Akira has someone with you at his side. ( ... ) And... I hope you won't be persuaded from your instinct, the next time you're right.
( What he abstained from saying, when he'd brought up Gwawlyn at the trial, is that he is as he is to survive. He is charming, playful, and wheedling - he is so good at skating by with second chances that turn to thirds and fourths and fifths.
It isn't fair that he took advantages of a Central wizard for this, but Hwylryn hasn't been fair to any child here, has he? Not Junior, nor Cain. )