( Blade was certainly one of the ones he expected to have to confront should the truth come out, given what he saw of him in Primrose earlier in the night, and during trial.
He exhales soft, as if dismissing his grief. It does not leave him, as much as he wish it were as simple as pulling off a cloak - it weighs heavy in his chest.
But he knows what he did, and he did it for precisely this reason. He cannot complain about his own hurt now— not when he wanted to confront it. )
You all told me to live. I yearned so badly for the death I'd been denied, to be free of what hurts me - and yet, you all insisted. And, little by little, it moved me so sincerely, I couldn't help but admire the beauty of it.
( And this is what he is - a creature of emotion, of raw nature, blown by the winds of the people around him. He's too sentimental; too unprincipled; too easily influenced.
You all told him to live, live, live - and so, he began to see the splendor in it, despite how much he sought death. )
... But how could I? I can't live, as I am. I love too much. I love you all. I see the beauty in things too easily. I care for those who would become enemies. I don't have the firmness in my heart to say - I will love this one more than you. I will protect them first.
When Siffrin and Ayaka, Richard... when they were at odds, I could choose no side. And that is how it always is, for me. If any of them had died, I would have lost myself to grief.
But I had wronged all of them by failing to choose. I failed Gwawlyn this way. Balthazar, too. My devotion was not enough.
( And so.
And so...
His brows furrow, bittersweet - as if he wishes there were any other conclusion. As if he had run the math through a thousand, thousand times, but there only came one answer, and it was this. )
And so I had to learn to take a side. And so, to keep my promises, for the first time... I had to learn how to protect my loved ones, or else I'd be right back at square one. My beloveds at odds, and me, paralysed. If I could not let myself die, then...
To protect my friends, I had to learn how to kill my friends.
cw: suicidal ideation references
He exhales soft, as if dismissing his grief. It does not leave him, as much as he wish it were as simple as pulling off a cloak - it weighs heavy in his chest.
But he knows what he did, and he did it for precisely this reason. He cannot complain about his own hurt now— not when he wanted to confront it. )
You all told me to live. I yearned so badly for the death I'd been denied, to be free of what hurts me - and yet, you all insisted. And, little by little, it moved me so sincerely, I couldn't help but admire the beauty of it.
( And this is what he is - a creature of emotion, of raw nature, blown by the winds of the people around him. He's too sentimental; too unprincipled; too easily influenced.
You all told him to live, live, live - and so, he began to see the splendor in it, despite how much he sought death. )
... But how could I? I can't live, as I am. I love too much. I love you all. I see the beauty in things too easily. I care for those who would become enemies. I don't have the firmness in my heart to say - I will love this one more than you. I will protect them first.
When Siffrin and Ayaka, Richard... when they were at odds, I could choose no side. And that is how it always is, for me. If any of them had died, I would have lost myself to grief.
But I had wronged all of them by failing to choose. I failed Gwawlyn this way. Balthazar, too. My devotion was not enough.
( And so.
And so...
His brows furrow, bittersweet - as if he wishes there were any other conclusion. As if he had run the math through a thousand, thousand times, but there only came one answer, and it was this. )
And so I had to learn to take a side. And so, to keep my promises, for the first time... I had to learn how to protect my loved ones, or else I'd be right back at square one. My beloveds at odds, and me, paralysed. If I could not let myself die, then...
To protect my friends, I had to learn how to kill my friends.
... But I wish that wasn't the price for my life.
( He still wishes he were dead.
But you all asked him to live, and so. )